Within a span of three years, I lost my son James, my brother Bamise, my grandmother Mary and my Aunty Keyinde. All these deaths came in cruel successions. My son’s death was my first experience of the devastating sting death and the pain of losing a loved one. How could a loving God allow this to happen to me? Why didn’t God just punish and discipline me? Why did He have to kill my son? These were the predominant questions on my mind.
I cannot deny that there is a God, because everything around me screams of His existence. I could not conveniently adopt a new belief that there was no God and that life was just a mere cosmic accident. My car irrefutably proves to me the existence of a carmaker. Likewise, when I look at the world around me, the stars and the moon all points to an intelligent designer who made it all. I am forced to believe in the existence of God. Nevertheless, I didn’t have to believe in His goodness anymore. Out of anger, I decided that the only way to get back at God who was responsible for my loss was to live a disobedient life. I wanted to hurt God as he had hurt me. Therefore, I stopped going to church and I stop serving God. I had completely given up on God, on life and on myself. Death had infected my heart with a sense of hopelessness that I thought I would never recover from.
While laying in the ashes heap of despair, with no peace and no hope. The same God that I was trying retaliate against kept a tiny ember of hope burning in my hardened heart. It was an ember of the undeniable truth that God is love, and in Him, there is no darkness. While I stand in the darkness of the pain of loss, it is very hard to gain an understanding of why a loving God would allow such hurt into my life? Why did God allow my wife and children to suffer like this? And yet, in my multitude of questioning this ember of truth continues to burn brighter and brighter. The brighter it burns, the more it reveals to me the love of God. Only God is powerful enough to keep me from losing my mind during these dark years. His mercy and grace continued to sustain me, even while I was in my state of anger and rebellion. There are still many questions and many things that I don’t understand? But I have enough light now to see that in front of me, there are choices to be made. I can give up or keep going. I have felt the horrible pain of loss, but I don’t have to feel the agony of defeat! You too may be feeling horrible pain of loss, but you don’t have to feel the agony of defeat, keep going!